how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Houston, we have a blender
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
