I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
