I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
