I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
