Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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