We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
