Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
