I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
