____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
