I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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