I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There r osticjed everywhere
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize