How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
