did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
