Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize