I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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