Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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