wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
