ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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