The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
