smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
