i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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