The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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