I think I am morally bankrupt
even my farts smell like vagina
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize