Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Let's get the cat blown out
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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