You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
