Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
