she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
