How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
