I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
