I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
