im six kinds of drunk right now
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
