Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
