you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
