i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
