the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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