low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
