Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
