i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
