I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
