"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
she peed on how many people?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
