My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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