I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize