News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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