Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
