I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
