dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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