if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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