No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
