This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
