hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
