I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
