I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
