It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
